DEAR WORLD

I need more adult friends.

I'm tired of ignorant, obnoxious children.

High schoolers are so immature.

By the way, nothing in particular prompted me to write this. I'm talking about how I feel, and that's what blogs are for, right?

now.

My life now isn't as exciting as it was.

I'm playing gigs frequently, well, not real gigs really. I define a "gig" as playing somewhere without getting help from school. That's pretty much all I've been doing....I did play one gig at CamVilLib a few months ago, with some guys from Jazz class, without help from Mr Hunter. everything has died down. I don't have a facebook anymore because my mom made me delete it. Therefore I have no internet life anymore. Plus I'm grounded and can't go to the drumline sleepover tomorrow, which really sucks. My life actually kinda sucks right now......Marching Band season is pretty much over, and I have no idea if I'll be able to do it next year, due to my viola teacher saying that if I did, he would never teach or even TALK to me again. I'm thinking about just not telling him.......anyway, December should be kinda fun I guess, plus Thanksgiving is next week. School is dying down for the Holidays, which I guess is a good thing. Other than the fact that I'm grounded and have nothing to do anyway. If you can't tell, I'm really not happy about that. It seems that my family is kinda sorta sticking up for me about the facebook thing, more than my mom was telling me. You see.....

I was in the shower one night when my mom came to me and said "I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE A FACEBOOK". That pretty much killed my mood. I had been hiding my facebook account for months, and not feeling good about doing it, but I did need some sort of privacy from my mom. I don't feel good about hiding things from my mom, but sometimes it's very necessary. So she pretty much made me delete the account and grounded me. I have no idea how long I'm grounded, and no idea what I can and can't do, because she never bothered to tell me. She also saw that I was friends with pretty much all of my family on facebook, and freaked out about how they never told her. So, her being her, she emailed every last one of them, pretty much scolding them about how they should tell me when I'm doing something wrong. BACK to what I was saying.....

My mom told me that their responses were very apologetic and understanding, but I took a sneak peak when emailing my viola teacher and found that most of them were giving her advice about raising teenagers, and saying that I do need at least a bit of privacy. I was really surprised. I actually started crying. It was so great how they responded, just perfect. What really sucks is that she incriminated my dad specifically....he of course didn't respond, but I'm afraid that it will come up at Thanksgiving. It's starting to blow over with me and my mom, but I'm afraid that she's scarred the family. MY family, not hers....it's all kinda my fault, I suppose after being caught once I shouldn't have done it again. I....suck?

So after this little episode, I decided to carve a treble, alto, and bass clef into the tip of my pointer finger on my left hand. I'm becoming a little rebel, it's kinda scary.

But what's really funny is how quickly this is all blowing over with my mom. she didn't get nearly as mad at me as the first time I got caught with a facebook....I don't know. I'm personally ready to move out, as soon as I turn 18. I could take care of myself right now if it was legal. I need some freedom. BADLY. Freedom and space. I want to hang out with my friends without it being a big deal with my mom. She always thinks that everything I talk about has to do with money. Every time I bring something up, she asks how much it's going to cost. It's incredibly distressing. For some reason, I'm dreaming of the day that I get married and have kids. I want my own family, so I can raise my kids better than my mom raised me. I just want a little house decorated to like an artsy-indie-ish style, and to raise my kids with music from the time that they're born. I'll let them do what they want, and trust that they'll make good decisions. If you give a kid that kind of trust, they usually make good decisions, I have no idea why.

I hate my life right now......

Or maybe it's my LACK of life that I'm hating.

Yeah, that's it.

-Genergizer

This Entry Has No Title.

I was sitting in my chair,

looking at a screen

with keys underneath it.

The screen was bright,

and I was tired,

because I hadn't gotten much sleep lately,

and I had had a long weekend.

As I stared blankly at the screen,

I felt a sudden sensation,

starting with my stomach,

then traveling up,

up through my shoulders,

and into my head,

and this is when I relaxed completely,

because I felt as if I was floating,

just above my legs.

I closed my eyes,

and embraced the interesting feeling.

A few minutes later,

my body began to lower back down,

down back to my legs,

and the chair

that I had recently been leaning against.

But I could not forget this feeling,

of being unattached.

-Genergizer

Simon & Garfunkel

I've been in my room for the past four hours or so, cleaning my room, doing my homework, planning gigs, and, most importantly, listening to random music on my ITunes. For some reason, on this particular night, listening to music has made me contemplate more deeply about my life. Not anything in particular, just...my life...but not what I've done specifically...I don't really know. I feel like I'm in a place where I can do whatever I want and no one will do anything about it. I feel like I'm in the mountains, and I can get away with anything. Deep, deep in the mountains, with no one around. I feel like taking a pen while half conscious and writing random letters that come to mind, while thinking about God knows what. I feel like I'm in that one place where no one can tell me to do anything other than to have complete peace with myself in any way possible. I am untouchable.

At the same time, I feel that something is eating away at me very slowly...like I did something in the past, and it's affecting me. But I didn't...it's weird. But I've had that feeling before...but...I feel so free at the same time. I feel like taking a giant van that never runs out of gas, picking up all of my closest friends, and driving up to the mountains, doing whatever we want in a log cabin by a river, for the rest of our lives. No school, no anything. I want to leave Raleigh and all civilization, and go to some uncharted land surrounded by woods and river where I can take complete care of myself with no real responsibilities, and my friends around all of the time. I want to go to the mountains with my pen and paper and half conscious mind, smiling at all those that look upon me, but in the end, going back to my mountain fortress with my friends, all writing random letters, drawing pictures, making sweet, beautiful marks on blank paper, just marks, half conscious, not thinking, but thinking, with our pens and paper. Falling asleep, but awake. Everything, but nothing. At the same time, completely independent. I want myself, and no one to catch me. No one to catch me.

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;

and an island never cries.

Simon and Garfunkel, I Am A Rock

-Genergizer

Here Comes The Sun

I'm trying to be optimistic. I really am. This may be a surprise for all that have been following my blog, because all of my other posts seem to be happy ones. This, however, is not a happy post.

It all happened last night, when I was at home with my mom. Normal Sunday Night, except for the fact that I had been busier than I had any other weekend when not actually somewhere for the weekend. I had a meeting with the people from Young Strings Of The Triangle, I had a viola lesson, I went shopping for fall/winter clothes, I got my mac fixed, I typed a paper, I saw the North Carolina Symphony, etc. To be straightforward, I was busy. And my mom was in a good mood for pretty much the entire weekend, so she took me to all these places without complaining. Sunday night, however, things changed. I asked her if I could see the North Carolina Symphony again on Wednesday night with my friend Maitreyi, at a concert that started at 7:30. This is when she freaked out and told me that it was too late, and that I would be getting back past my bedtime. I argued that I would only be getting back at around 9, and that she had told me that I could go to this concert earlier this year. She yelled at me, sent me to my room, and grounded me for a week. I was not a happy camper, so I stayed in my room and cried for a while, then came back out when my mom needed to use the computer. I didn't want to think about calling Maitreyi.

I finally decided to call Maitreyi at around 8:45, after I had gotten out of the shower. This was a bit late, because I had to my "night before first day of the week" shower rituals (detangle my hair to the highest degree of detangle-ment, shave my legs, etc.) I called Maitreyi to tell her that I couldn't come, and my mom walked in the room, freaking out that I was calling someone fifteen minutes past my bedtime. I told Maitreyi that I would call her later, and stood in the middle of my room as my mom yelled at me for the second time in one night, and sent me to bed.

Five minutes into laying down, my mom simply said "GET UP."

I got out of my loft bed, and just as I was walking towards the doorway to my room, she asked who Will was (any of you reading this who are close to me know who Will is...). She had been looking through the contacts on my cellphone. This led into a long extensive sex talk, my phone getting taken away for good, and my mom saying one of the least surprising things that I had ever heard her say. It was totally expected, yet unexpected. "I'm tired of you. Go live with your father, I can't stand you anymore. Start packing." She then called my sister's dad, and I called my dad (who didn't pick up), and I then went to bed, thinking about what was to come.

This was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. Really, the only thing keeping me from living with my dad is taking me away from Enloe. Enloe is definitely the best school I've ever been to, and I don't want to be taken away from it to go to Durham School Of The Arts, or any school in Durham County Public Schools. My dad is amazing, too. The only problem is that he probably isn't enough structure for me. My mom, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. I sometimes wonder why and how they even got together. They pretty much hate each other. I don't like the fact that I'm the one unbreakable thread that makes them have to communicate. It's really my fault...I should've gone to boarding school or something. I'm the ONLY THING that makes them have to see each other. People that don't like each other shouldn't have to see each other.

I stand completely alone, other than the Little Help From My Friends, screaming HELP! to the world, who simply ignores me. I wonder, why me? and the answer is simply Because. I'm Searching for the light, waiting for someone to say "Here Comes The Sun".

-Genergizer

Mr Obama's Back-To-School Speech

I have a very straightforward opinion about President Obama's choice to talk to students about doing well in school and setting goals, etc. I think that it was a brilliant idea. Really, having one of the most influential presidents that we've ever had give students a speech like that was absolutely amazing, and very well spoken, according to the results that I've read about the kids who actually heard the speech. The one thing that I can't understand is why some parents just didn't want their kids to hear it.

It's absolutely outrageous, really. Who wouldn't want their kids to hear a speech from such a high figure in society about doing well in school and achieving their dreams? Do you really think that the President of the United States would try to brainwash your kids into his ideals? If you also think about it, most, if not all, of the parents against President Obama's speech were against President Obama in the first place. I personally believe that this is plain selfish. Kids should be able to figure out what political party they support by listening to what's going on by themselves, not by being brainwashed by their parents. When most of my friends were finally making this big decision, they went along with what their parents thought, and this really isn't right. Kids also shouldn't have to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance without knowing what it means. They're making an unbreakable oath to respect the country without even knowing what they're saying! And I'm sure that none of the elementary school kids in America came here because they wanted to be a meaningful citizen. They were either born into the country, or they're parents wanted to be meaningful citizens. And just think about it, making a child recite an unbreakable promise that they don't even understand, and making a child a republican because that's what their parents chose to be. It's all brainwashing.

Fox News, a well known conservative news broadcasting company, wrote an article not too long ago, expressing the protests about showing the speech in school (http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/09/08/obama-schoolchildren-stay-school-responsibility/). Notice that the entire article is about people that were against the speech, and had nothing about the people that were all for it, but that's Fox News for you. The part that bugs me is where Jim Greer says that he is "absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama's liberal socialist ideology". How dare he simply assume that President Obama, of all people, would brainwash kids, as I said before. It's just a completely biased assumption.

Yahoo, on the other hand, gave the full story (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090908/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama_school_speech). Or results from both sides, anyway. All three sides, really. Students, Liberals, and Conservatives. The only problem is, although I liked this article more than the Fox News article, it made me even more furious than how I was about the ignorance of Fox News. It was just the examples that were used from the people that were against the speech.... "Mr. President, Stay Away From Our Kids," they said. No. Why in the world would he abandon the perfect opportunity to improve the future so that you can brainwash the future into hating him? I would say more about this, but my English teacher will be reading this post. Like he said, CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE. A perfect metaphor, expressing the truth.

-Genergizer

It's A Bit Unnatural, Really.

As of today, I have discovered what I will be doing for the rest of my life. It's all clear now what I'll be good at, and what I'll be happy with. If you're reading this, and you know me, you probably know what I'm about to say. It's completely settled that I'm going to have to go into a musical career.

First, I know that I'm a fairly smart person, and have done well in school in all my ten years. I've had an interest in astronomy, astrophysics, and rocketry since about fourth grade. Maybe even third. I dreamed about working with NASA, and still do. But now I realize that the main thing that I'm good at is music, in every shape and form. I'm highly educated in music theory, and study it with more and more interest. I'm well-rounded as far as types of music. I play, or am educated in most instruments. I'm practically gigging already. Seniors and well known musicians are asking me to jam with them. It's crazy how high school works.

What's funny is that most of this is happening within my first two weeks of ninth grade, and that's why I'm getting so excited about it. I've already been asked by a senior to jam with him. I'm with an amazing little combo as we speak, and if we get a few more songs down, we could probably do an hour long gig. While spending time with my dad this summer, I played a few jam sessions with some very talented musicians, all at least ten years older than me. Also over the summer, though, I had a little breakthrough. It's like I suddenly understood everything that had to do with anything. As far as music, I mean. Chords, chord forms, chord progressions, fingering, reading, everything. I didn't even realize what I was realizing until recently. I just feel like I can do absolutely anything.

I think that the reason that this came up is that I got my audition results for the Triangle Youth Symphony this afternoon. My new viola teacher, Mr Partridge, is absolutely amazing, and I really feel that I can just grow in his hands. I took my first two lessons during the last two weeks before my audition, where he gave me "band aids" to my playing. We were both expecting me to make 2nd or 3rd stand viola, but no. I look at the audition results, and I made 1st stand viola, co-principal. It's amazing how things don't end up what you expect them to be, but they turn out better.

But for some reason, while I sit here in my room listening to Death Cab For Cutie, contemplating what major accomplishments I've made in the past two months, I somehow feel slightly sad...although it could just be because I'm listening to Death Cab at 10:30 at night.

To conclude my rant, I feel that my life as a high schooler is better than any part of life that I've experienced yet. In middle school, it just seemed that there was always something or someone to get you down all the time, but high school is just so much better than I'd imagined it would be. I've got a great group of friends who get along with each other, plus my extended friends, plus I've got plenty to do all of the time. I'm occupied. I have everything that I love in one place, where it's easy to access,

And it makes me feel good all the time.

It's a bit unnatural, really.

-Genergizer